My First Month Going Vegan

*As a disclaimer, I’m currently in eating disorder recovery and have decided with my nutritionist to go with the idea of being “mostly vegan” while I work through my recovery.

After months of the universe giving me hints to try to go vegan, I made the leap about a month ago and haven’t looked back! I always been curious about plant-based lifestyles. I grew eating meat, eggs and dairy as part of a “balanced” diet. I ate some fruits and vegetables but was never terribly excited about them.

In the past few years I’ve started to think about how I ethically feel about eating meat. I understood where my food came from and tried to choose meats, dairy and eggs that came from organic and/or free-range farms. This tactic worked for a couple years but I still felt discontent with food choices (barring the disordered eating).

The lightbulb finally went off in my head when I’d had a lead up of experiences in the past year that eventually bubbled over when I watched a video of a pig trying to save its friend from slaughter. I don’t know why, but I previously had chosen to consciously ignore the fact that pigs are incredibly smart. This video undid that ignorance and I had the realization that I was eating animals with souls. As an obsessive animal lover, I was horrified! My dog had a soul, but I would never eat them! So why was a pig okay? Why a cow?

I then decided to take the ultimate plunge and watch a slaughterhouse video (the official turning point I believe for most previously carnivorous vegans). The video evoked so many emotions in me I wasn’t expecting. I then walked out of my room and announced to my roommates I was OFFICIALLY going to try to go vegan.

Then I promptly realized all of the meat and animal by-products I had in my kitchen that I didn’t want to go to waste.

Now you may be asking, okay I get the no meat part, but why not vegetarian? Well, I’ve never liked eggs and have honestly been replacing them already in my baking. Also, I’m lactose intolerant and have been drinking nut milks for a few years now. Finally, I know that the dairy industry is problematic (I have yet to do deep research on that but I knew enough) and have chosen to no longer support inhumane practices.

This first month has been overall a great experience. As I had not-so-vegan food in my fridge and pantry (I still have some things like chicken and beef bouillon), I can by no means say I’ve been perfect. I also traveled to Iceland for a week and decided to put my lifestyle change on hold in order to experience local cuisine. In my personal opinion, a vegan lifestyle should vary by person for whatever works for them.

For my wins from the past month, I’ve discovered a newfound love of vegetables and fruits. The Whole Foods produce section made me audibly gasp last week. I’ve noticed a rise in energy levels and a general excitement towards food that I didn’t have before. I’ve discovered some amazing recipes I’ve never made before and I’ve learned how to fry tofu. I tried (and liked) vegan cheese! I’ve also rediscovered the importance of feeding your body whole foods so it can feel its best.

For my needed improvements, I have yet to find a fast food meal that sounds appealing to me. This is where I’ve noticed I’ve “gone off the wagon” the most.

Overall, I’m proud of myself. My lifestyle change has made me feel more at peace with my personal values. I also have been learning about the environmental benefits of going vegan. I know that it’s a journey and that it’s a transition, which are always a bit messy. I’m excited to see my next steps and so far, am elated with becoming vegan.

Thanks for reading! xoxo

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The Battle of the Slice

Eating pizza in public has become my new Everest. As someone on the road to recovery from an eating disorder, eating pizza has become an emotional rollercoaster of an experience. I write this as I sit in my favorite pizza place, listening to classic rock and trying to fight the voices in my head as the lunch rush hits full swing.

For those who have never dealt with an eating disorder, it’s a bitch. Every meal becomes a test. Am I getting better? Am I getting worse? I’ve suffered from binge eating disorder for over 3 years now but I don’t think I’ve ever had a healthy relationship with food.

Right now I’m forcing myself to sit in a booth and slowly eat my biggest trigger food. Pizza. That’s right, pizza. Chewy crust, melted cheese, the works. It breaks all my food rules and has become my go-to binge food.

This morning I met with one of the doctors I’m seeing while I work through recovery and she praised the baby steps I was making. But, I’m impatient. I want results now. I want to be better now. Recovery isn’t going to happen NOW though.

So I’m taking another baby step. Okay, this is actually a huge baby step. I’m sitting in public eating six wings and two huge slices of cheese pizza. I’m forcing myself to take my time and focus on my food. I’m trying not to binge. Keyword: TRYING. It’s so hard to not give in. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to not give in to the negative thoughts, force the food down my throat and then make my self leave shrouded in embarrassment and shame. FOR EATING PIZZA!

I’m proud of myself though. It wasn’t a perfect experiment, but I’ve been here for 45 minutes when before it would have been 15 minutes. I paused a few times throughout my meal and checked to see where my hunger was at that moment. I’m a little uncomfortably full, but that’s to be expected putting myself in my worse-case-scenario binge position.

I’m only three weeks into my structured recovery process. It’s been a hell of a three weeks. I’ve cried approximately three times this week alone with overwhelming emotions of relief of working on myself to sadness and frustration of officially acknowledging I have an eating disorder. Not eating issues. Not an unhealthy relationship with food. An actual eating disorder.

I can feel my emotions going multiple directions and I know that I have YEARS to go for a full recovery. Right now though, I have baby steps and pizza.